Beyond

Hurl your body into space
let gravity melt away until it feels like a silk scarf
don't worry, it won't choke you if you don't let it
just close your eyes and spin
rotate like the Earth
spin like a petal falling upwards
Your organs will glow through your skin
you'll look like a lightning bug from far away
glowing red and pink
the sun incarnate.

I had my WISE presentation yesterday, it went extremely well...My parents had shown up, as well as some of my friends (Connor, Sydney, Nick) and my lovely boyfriend. The only person who was missing was Doster, my mentor...He had known of my project for a while but had told me 2 days prior of his Prom meeting, therefore not being able to go. No sore feelings, only slight disappointment.
Everyone liked my short films, I should post them on Youtube sometime.
I gave out Kettlecorn and lemonade, and talked about the last 16 weeks of my life. It felt nice to be able to ramble on for 45 minutes, but afterwards, going home with Dylan, I had to take a nap, tired from running around all day in preparation.

I've been getting anxious about the summer...Dylan is leaving the same day I do, except only we are going very different directions. He, to summer term at our college, and I to Europe.... I'm excited but nervous. I want to do a lot of traveling alone, but I know I'm too naive for travel abroad just now, I should wait 'till I'm older, or maybe 'til I can go with a friend.
We go to London, then Amsterdam, the Paris, then Italy, taking a Mediterranean Cruise around Greece, after that, coming back to London.

Merde

This is an uninspired poem, inspired by un-inspiration.

There once was a blade of grass,

it had the spiny edges of a Betelgeuse hack saw,

and a brown spot on one side. 

It sat in the heat of summer, 

waiting for a new haircut from the mower.

Occasionally, an ant would climb to its peak, 

a sentry on guard, watching out for the Mother.

Long Live The Queen. 

The blade of grass would never become a dancer. 

Whitehouse is brutally right. 

"What do you want to be when you grow up?

Certainly not raped. "

Music and movies make a huge impact on me... They are like mood determinators, I can watch a romantic french film and feel an insane urge to call my boyfriend, or watch a contemporary assassin flick, and want to order a M14 off the internet. Music is the same, I can listen to a genre such as punk or alt, and immediately I notice something different in me. I love the way it works, its so interesting. I must experiment... This also sounds like a good start for a story... a character who becomes a different person for each genre of music he/she listens to...YES

Hands

Make shadows turn to spiders, and birds,
and the sound of thunder without the storm.
Curling into a weapon or splaying over steel strings,
the hands create what the mind can only dream.
Sounds, pictures, sculptures, they all come from those five fingered appendages.

Spam

Uhn, tss tss, uhn pah Uhn, tss tss, uhn pah
Me...and my girl...my girl named Bimbo, Limbo, Spam.

Looping sounds and making music is what Sydney and I had been up to for a bit, after I had taken some good footage for her song called "Journey" I'm excited to start editing it, and on Tuesday I will get some more footage with her, taking a "road trip" of sort, stopping at scenic places along the way, enjoying solitude and nature, her song acoustically in the background. This should be good. Soft and abstract, upbeat and independent. I like it.

Today we went into the Publix produce to take a leak! I mean, LEEK, not leak...we would never pee on produce... I'm going to turn that into a joke type t-shirt design.

Threadless t-shirts is having a contest, I'm in the process of creating some pun-ny shirt designs that look good but are funny as well. The money I win could really help with college stuff, I hope I win, my mother nags me about scholarships constantly. Sigh.

On a sucky-er note, I have a diagnosis...I have a simple cyst on my left kidney, and another one on my ovary. Yay.

More to come, I'm excited for the days leading up to my presentation, maybe I should change it to a different location? I want an artsy feeling to it...I'm sad that Sydney's presentation is going to be on the states Skills comp...bleh.

Organic

Let your eyes sink to the back of your head, lay down your weapons and breathe in the calm. Drown out the sound of the world and hear the silence that enshrouds you with a certain warmth. Innocence was lost, but growth and knowledge were found. Cope and be strong, then move to the next person, help them do that same. The chain will be long.

I have decided to try and relax, my health needs it, my friends need it. I've always been the backbone in the group, they notice when I bend. Luckily they are my sinew and muscle, they never let me snap.

I'm checking out a camera for the weekend, and I'll see what comes of it. Hopefully something will flourish, I'll find something beautiful to film, or maybe develop a funny idea, maybe film for a music video for Sydney? I'll call her after school today.

Stuck

Sink your feet into mud, walk through a bog and let it suck you down to your thighs. Try to move, try to think over the panic, the mire has you in its clutches. Tragedy does that to you, and you try to rise above it, try to see past the black tar steadily pulling at your clothes and look at the sunrise over the swamp. Its hot out, and buzzard sits perched on a mangrove.

I'm sure this is just a little pocket of turbulence, my writing has been stuck for a bit, but Doster (my mentor/tv teacher) wants a project to be done. What do I do? WHAT OH WHAT? My back is in a perpetual state of uncomfortableness and there is tragedy all around. What can I make, when all my writing is dark and disturbed? I try to keep things lighthearted, make it seem as if I haven't been turned into a faithless cynic. Maybe I can use film as a sort of release, make something dark, but add hope, fool myself into making a happy ending when I know happy endings are far and few.

Kidneys

Visceral. What a raw word. I love it, the feeling of it in my mouth, like a thin piece of raw meat, warm and tasting of iron. It rolls down my tongue and out of my mouth, a silk sheet sliding off of the bed.

Speaking of the word visceral, I turn to my inside. My kindeys seem suspicious, they are like little criminals waiting to be found out. Tomorrow's MRI scan should be telling of what they're up to. I've been having back pains all week, hopefully its nothing serious...

I've been happy with my recent success with my short film, but I want to do another one...The ideas I have are too big for the time in my life right now, so I must simplify... I want to do a music video, but my father keeps insisting I need to create another original piece, something that I can put on a reel...But I argue that a music video CAN be just that...

Survive

Bags under my eyes are the symbols of a good time. No time to sleep, eat lights on the street, make the screams last forever, see the sounds and taste the leather. The music makes the brain pulse, and the heart stop, and the body convulse.

Last night I attended the Lady Gaga concert, it was phenomenal. The opening act (Semi Precious Weapons) was flamboyant, loud, and sassy, their famously quoted lyric stuck in my head as I write this "I can't pay my rent, but I'm f****ing gorgeous!"
But the Lady herself, she is an amazing performer. She belts out her songs like its her last night on Earth, he dancers are beautiful, her musicians are incredible, and the set and costumes are so unique and edgy that I can't help but to be entranced. Although her music has gone mainstream, she keeps the individuality and personality of herself alive.

My friend Jake is in yet another band, he tells me this one seems promising, he plus a "prodigy drummer" and a musician from East Coast Drive will be the initial make up. I lent him my talents and wrote a song for them, or rather, lyrics to an instrumental he had written on the computer. I hope he likes it.

This is for all of the kids out there who are like me.

I'm a weird girl with my boots and messy hair
I was an outcast, didn't ask to be there
we're all a little weird
compared to the rest
but you're all rockstars
I should know best

Long nails and pastel colors
aren't for me
perfect smiles and pretty lips
possibly
cries for attention
for all to see

that's not me
thats not me

bit nails and black clothes
that's me
showing teeth and screaming

The scars and bite marks
go to show I've earned this part
right here

Think with your c***s
make your mama proud
show how hard you rock
so f***ing loud
take all those insecurities
put them behind you
show up all those a** h***s
who said you wouldn't do

(breakdown)
I-Want-To-See-Their-Faces
The-Ones-Who-Scream
I-Want-You-To-Do-the-Same
Scream-Your-Name
No-More-Shame

Sorry for the explicit content, but some rock just deserves the passion. Music is my next life goal, I want to be on a stage, singing and dancing in front of a crowd that roars, a crowd of people that need the release and the excitement. I want to be up there and spread my messages, to be king of your own world.

ON ANOTHER NOTE I have finished my short! Hannah was a great actress, she can capture emotion as well as being conscious of stage direction and hitting marks. I'm excited to see if I place in the contest... I am also excited for her to see it, she has been asking and now I shall have the finished product for her!
YAY.

YES

This feeling...it it the feeling of surviving after fighting off a mutant tiger shark thats the size of a T-Rex, while standing on a mountain wearing a t-shirt of the entire image I have just depicted. 

I have completed the production of a short film, now I am in post production and am so happy with how the footage looks. The quick zooms and fast cuts make for an action-y feel, while the subject matter is mundane, giving an irony to the project. Not much time to write, now, I'll post more later one, hopefully next week I will be done and it will be submitted for the STN Spring Nationals.

Fearsome

The trickle of sweat that traced its way down your spine leaves a cold thread along the length of your back. The skin of your arms feels like freshly plucked gooseflesh, and your pupils dilate, taking in the fear. Your heart starts beating louder, harder, to an intensity that is rib-snapping, and your breathing becomes ragged and harsh. Fear makes your throat tighten, it is impossible to whisper, to scream. Squeeze your eyes shut and press your palms to your ears, block out the terror.

Last night, I went with some friends to see the new horror flick, Insidious. It was truly a terrifying experience. The elements of startling pop-ups and suspense mixed with amazing effects and makeup make this film one to fear. This is the type of movie to make one sleep with the lights on, to jump at every creak of the house. I had gone home hoping to wake up in the morning, hoping to be possession-free, hoping to open my eyes and NOT see demons, ghosts, etc... When a film can do this to me, I know its done a good job earning the title of a Scary Movie. My friends had been freaked out, too. I'm glad we went, it was a fun evening.

I'm looking forward to the next time Sydney and I can street preform. I love sitting out there, inhaling the sea breeze, and letting the people listen to our music. Its fun, relaxing, plus an easy way to make a couple bucks. Next time, we will plan to spend more time on the beach.

Sometimes I worry that my mentor, Doster, thinks I sit around not doing anything...I mean, I am in his class  first and fourth hour, usually, and a lot of the time, I'm working on WISE things, such as critiquing movies, researching, writing short film ideas, but I can't always be editing or filming, it takes more than me, and the dependency I have on my friends is an issue, I  can't count on them to be there whenever I need them, they're busy people, just like myself... Hopefully, Hannah will remember that we have plans to film tomorrow, I need to get all the shooting done tomorrow night, and edit it by Friday...I'm sure I can do it, I just need an actor...

Friday I go to the hospital for an X-ray and an Ultrasound... I'm nervous they'll find a kidney stone.

Weekend

Its bee a while, since I last posted. My home computer has a bit of trouble getting onto this site, but that what I get for having a father who isn't up to date with modern technology. An old Dell can really suck sometimes.

This weekend was eventful. I have a new short film coming up, a satire. I'm aiming for it to be completely filmed by the end of this week.

On Friday, an exam day, I skipped school, and went to the beach with my musical friend Sydney. We set up somewhere along Ft.Lauderdale Beach and made $1 and a Jesus pamphlet. But we also made a friend, his name was Aton and he was a "Drifter", very laid back, very friendly. He gave us some tips about setting up in a better location, and it worked. We returned Monday, and made around $25. Thanks, Aton. Your beard shall be missed.

Buzzkill

Having a common name really sucks at times. I had wasted my evening at this Lightning Award Ceremony, the last name to be called was "BRITTNEY..." and I almost stood up until the last name was called, which was different from mine, obviously. And YES i'm bitter but I think any cynic of this yuppie scum society would be after wasting their time at a ceremony where nothing was gained except a little pin. Oh, I didn't need a $1000 scholarship, College is a cake walk, I dont have to pay for ANYTHING. Every scholarship I've applied for either has rejected me or hasn't gotten back to me. I may have to resort to robbing banks, drugged up on sleeping pills to feel numb.

I apologize. I'm ust wallowing in pity right now, I'll perk up by tomorrow morning. But REALLY, can't a girl get a break?

Well, at least I have my awesome friends and my awesome mad skills.

Change

He reads my mind like an X-ray machine, his radioactivity burrowing into my head and seeing my thoughts, my emotions, my dreams. He is the one to make me feel when I am numb. I now know what it is to love some one as much as I love breathing. Its been said that if we as humans could truly feel the entire extent and see the entire length of our love for some one so dear, it would kill us. This is what wars are fueled by, what movies are made for, what people die for every day. And I'm lucky enough to find it so young. 

The other night was an important one, I had a conversation with my boyfriend of almost eight months, he had managed to bring me out of my depression after I had gone through the doubt that comes with uncertainty. He had managed to make me realize that my WISE project was not about my film, but about ME. So I have decided not to rush the film. I will work on two scenes I have chosen as important aspects of the film. I will work on those two scenes only, and have them done by the time of my presentation. But I will also have what it took to get to this point in my presentation. What I've been through to come down to simplifying my overly ambitious goal. 

I had come to realize, with Dylan's help, that I am finally growing up from the bubblegum punk I was throughout my life. Although I still have that style, the attitude, and the drive, I have changed from having my head in the clouds, my eyes turned outward. I am able to see myself as a young adult, no longer the teenage dreamer but an aspiring artist. I'm more realistic, which I think is going to benefit me. 

I don't want to rush my film, because even as Walt Disney put it, a good idea never goes to waste. Even if its years down the line from now, I will have that film in my head to accomplish when I have the resources and time. Films don't happen in a semester, they take years, sometimes. And if I want it to be what it looks like in my head, I will take the time to make it so. 

Girl

Are my camo shorts too boyish?
Am I not being toyish?
Is your mistress being coyish?
F--- You, and your little dog, too!
I'll be your wicked witch
your mean mean B----
I'm a Cherry Bomb
you better run!
I'm a Cherry Bomb,
Little boy
little toy

I want to start an all girls band. Influenced by The Runaways, No Doubt, some russian and gypsy music, it'll be a mixture of awesomness and heavy beats. This lyrics were a girl power ballad that I had written after watching the movie The Runaways. Excuse the profanity, but some topics just call for it.

Hannah is coming over next Thursday to be my narrator. I'm excited to start filming :D

NEW

I have returned from the land of the forsaken, and have risen like a phoenix.

My Spring Break was spent in California, with family. At first, I hadn't enjoyed the thought of leaving my friends to go across the country, but in the end, I'm glad I went. I had been stuck, in a block. Now I feel like my old self, bubblegum punk and ready to kick butt! After I had been rejected from FSU Film my confidence wavered, I had lost direction, my plan was foiled. I knew how the villains felt with Batman's meddling. But in Cali, I realized that I needed to snap out of it, put a halt to the depression, or rather, crush it out of existence. My relatives who live in Santa Monica run their own business called Imperial Media, dvd/cd duplication. I started hearing about clients that came to them, and started talking to Bob, one of the employees. I have a new plan.

Sydney is coming over today to jam out and write music, possibly plan a music video...I need to really get my head out of the clouds and start filming my short film. Things have just been so chaotic that if I had believed in fate, I would be convinced some larger picture was stopping me from beginning my filming. But hopefully no one has fallen ill, there is available camera and lighting equipment, and my creative streak is rolling again!

my week is already swamped. I have Sydney coming over today, I promised a really good friend I would come over tomorrow to watch a movie and film a silly little short, Wednesday is a day I devote to my lover (oo-er), Thursday Nick Morales is coming over and we are going to collaborate with some photos, I ned some for my preview project, and he could always use some more photos. Friday, i'm not sure what I'm doing exactly but I know it should be FUN. Maybe spend some time with my bestie, Nikki, who I don't get to see as much anymore do her academia. She has gotten into schools like MIT, UPenn, WashU, and is waiting for a response from Duke...I know she is going to be spectacularly successful  later on...And I know if I'm ever one of those Starving Artist types on the streets, I could always count on her, maybe crash on her couch, too.

Groove

The sounds flow like water,  a tide of blues and greens and purples dances through a glistening glass like surface, if that surface had been crushed so a thousand shards of diamond was what it looked like, all moving together, undulating and swirling and crashing. Music is saving me. Music has saved a million souls, and thats only this week. Thank you, Pandora and Grooveshark.

Putting together this film is taking longer than expected...I know I had so many plans of grandeur at the start of this endeavor, but I now realize I must focus on ONE thing at a time...my scatterbrained-ness methods are failing me. And organizing events like casting calls is difficult to do if half of the population of south floridian teenagers are sick.

I'm leaving for California today, going to the airport at 5:30 pm...I'll try to take pictures so I can document it...I love people watching in the airport. I was disheartened this morning, though, finding out I have to be home right after school, instead of being able to hang out with my boyfriend like we had planned...I guess I can't be too hung up about it, he'll still be here when I get back. He is always here for me. Thats why I love him.

Speaking of young lovin', Prom is coming up....And I am thinking of not going. At first my initial feelings about it were ones of obligation, if I miss it, I will regret it... But then I thought back to every other major event in my life... it's not the actual event taking place that matters, its what I made of it. Dylan doesn't care either way, and I'm sure if we DO go, he would despise the music, the ridiculous excuse for dancing, and the formalities and over-ratedness of it all...and I would agree with him...Besides, the tickets are exorbitantly priced, ranging from $130-150 each, I wouldn't wan to pay that much for some nice pictures and the ability to say "I went to my Senior Prom!"I think it would be much more fun hanging out with REAL friends, our friends who love the music we love and dance the way we like, and don't judge. A part of thie Prom will be the fashion show, the girls comparing themselves to each other, the boys hoping for a slip of the strap, a breast exposed...maybe I'm being a bit over-zealous about the whole anti-prom thing. Well whatever happens, I know I'll be happy, as long as I see my friends and have Dylan at my side.

Creation

To destroy is to create, and to create something, one must destroy. Destroy, create, destroy, create.
Yeats had the idea, his cataclysmic gyre and poor maiden under the swan make me want to destroy my old poetry, the stuff of imagined glory, and out of the ashes collect new phoenixes of words. I've been unleashing the hounds in my mind and its been delicious.

Progress is slow coming this week...the casting still isn't complete, and my friends with the capability of filming are on a field trip for the rest of the week, my friend Hannah who has been helping me develop the costumes and such for the play has been sick, and the camera equipment has been sparse since most of it is in use by the other classes or away with the good ones in Orlando.
I wil be leaving Friday afternoon for California to stay with family on my father's side. I love the golden coast, but I know the twisting feeling in my chest will come about when I step into the airport, without the boy I love. He will be stuck here, in this stuffy suburbia, full of its gas guzzling Escalades and high maintenance house wives. At least he has good friends. Our friends.
California should be fun, and thank modern technology for cell phones. My family I'm staying with is cool,  they live in a gorgeous house filled with sleek modern furniture mixed with eclectic asian inspiration. The zen feeling of the place is soothing, and the inhabitants themselves are very chillax. Their daughter, she has an amazing job, she models for Suicide Girls, which is a company sort of like Playboy, except dipped in ink and metal. Its models are punks, rebels, girls with gorgeous tattoos and wild hair colors, girls who I admire for their ability to be so fearless when the camera shows their skin. I want to model for something of that nature, but I guess I have to wait until I'm 18, child pornography is quite an inappropriate addition to a permanent record...

Hurry

My eyes are closed, there is blackness and color at the same time, like an old gasoline stain in the sun, rainbows made of blackness undulate in my head. Breathe...breathe... I suck the air into my lungs as if I'm dying, as if I'm drowning. I love it.

I've lost 4 lbs since starting this program in school for health and fitness, I love the workouts, but I'm hungry all the time...I guess its just a part of it. I try to control the hunger with drinking cups of water, but sometimes I can't help myself and succumb to the impulses...I go out at night and drain the living of their blood.

Maybe I'll do a short film about that... it'll be easy, one day of filming, some fake blood, fake fangs. I need a good actress...unless I use myself, but then I'd need a good cameraman...No, I'll get the actress.

Time

There is no such thing as time. It is an aspect of human life, that is all. Relativity is what it depends on, and for me, well...time goes differently.

I've been toying with some ideas about writing a little short about a time cowboy, (read above in southern accent) But I think it would be best to really focus on my short film...if only I could have my cast and crew available at all times whenever I needed them....Time management sucks.

Hopefully my Preview project for WISE will kick the filming aspect into gear, seeing as I need to start the filming, and soon! So may things have been going on, and the lack of a license is killing me.

This entry is a bit short, I know, but I need to organize my people I want to use for my film, I have ideas but no concrete decisions made...crap.

Stress

The anxiety feels like dead wings on my back. They hang there, the feathers droop and cling to one another, dripping in the blackest tar. They twitch every now and then, coming to life for a split second, making my heart leap. To escape the weight of those dead appendages, I submerge myself in Houdini's water tank, but he locks the top closed and I can't get out.

I think its the stress from school, running around to get scholarships, jumping through hoops. Sometimes I wish I weren't going to college, in the art industry, its really about your talent and who you know...mostly the latter...college feels like a kind of waste, I'd rather go to California and meet a producer or director somehow, someway, make a name for myself.

At least I don't have to worry about my script. Its going well, I am in the process of breaking it up to make two separate pieces, one for the dialogue, one for the technicalities. Hannah is coming over sometime this week to help me start the casting call...i want her to be in it, she is quite a talented actress. Her opinion of the script means a lot, I hope she likes it.

Sydney and I have been hanging out a lot lately, I have fun with her, we sing and dance and zone out to music. She's teaching me some singing techniques...Maybe we can make some money and preform on the streets soon.

FINALLY!

I have finished the script to my film... only six pages, but those six pages are of rich art that I will make you all see soon! I need to cast and make the costumes and plan everything else out, but this feels like a feat.

Lately I have been having some pretty crappy times, the other night I thought I had lost one of my new rings I bought at the Renaissance Festival, (But luckily Sydney found it) i also got a blister on my foot, got yelled at by some creep driving by in his car who noticed I didn't have a bag to pick up my dogs poop in (which he didn't even go on anyone's lawn that night) and the cookies I bakes somehow slid off the pan and two got stuck int he hinge of the oven door, making me have to scrape the oven floor and door clean. Jeez. This little rant helped my emotional state, though...good times are to come, I can feel it, and now that the bad stuff has already happened, it can only get better, right?

Blog

I am in desperate need of inspiration. What shall I do? Since my band broke up, due to our guitarist leaving us for someone else, I have this feeling of betrayal, almost. I understand and accept that he has left, but the music was important to me...I'm hopeful to get this one project going with a good friend (SYDNEY!) that combines a sort of bluegrass feel with her acoustic guitar and my harmonica, but that also waivers between something middle eastern and indie. Although difficult to imagine, the sound should be amazing, if we come together to write some things...I have no doubts in her masterful abilities.

I'm 5 scenes in to my short film, I want to finish writing it before I have some friends read it, a sort of test for how others will react....My mentor and tv production teacher of 3 years has given me a project, though. An entry for STN(STudent Television Nationals) is required of me, and I'm excited to start, but I don't want it to cause large delays in my short film. I will write it once I'm done with writing my main piece, though...Until then, I need to do something adventurous, fun, perhaps dangerous....I NEED inspiration.

Home

The dinner was perfect. I'll post a picture when my computer at home gets fixed. The weekend was fun, for the most part, the dinner, a birthday party, and a free entrance to the Renaissance Festival, in which Sydney and I accompanied each other again.

Usually I begin my post with something a bit more poetic, perhaps lyrical or narrative, but I'm not in the mood right now, my social life and school life are pretty good, but home is a different story. I don't know how this will affect my project, I haven't been able to concentrate on anything, and I never want to go home, so either my project will speed up in process, due to me wanting to be out of the house, or it will be delayed because I won't be able to concentrate... I'm going to try to be positive and make the best of a crap situation. Wish me luck.

Suggestions?

I'm worn out like an old sneaker hanging on a power-line, my skin feels tight and my head feels like its filled with lukewarm oatmeal.
I know I'll feel new soon. When I'm with him, I always feel new. My eyes are round jewels wet in my head, my nails are shiny again, I can sense every movement in the peripherals of the room, I can think about what I need to do.
But right now, I'm tired. My eyes are slits of blackness and my nails are dull. I can't feel the room around me, ca't think about anything...I know I need to do SOMETHING. what is it?

I don't want to be idle like this, I need to start filming, I need to move my hands and stretch my fingers, they will curl around the moon like tentacles, and I will pull the man down who is so lonely up there, and he will whisper in my ear. He will tell me the stories of millenniums, and I will write them down and turn them into film for you to see.

Today after school I want to film the sunset...But I can't. My AP Literature teacher is showing Hamlet (the bad version, with Mel Gibson in it) and if I stay to watch, I can earn extra credit. Afterwards, my best friend Nikki is driving and we're going to Tates, I'm going to pick up a gift for my boyfriend of 6 months, this Saturday...I've been planning something special, a moonlit picnic, a fire, delicious food, and music. Hopefully I can pull it off, and the Rain Gods will not bathe us in their indifference.

Does anyone have suggestions to make Saturday night even better?

License

The moon hangs silently, indifferent, as I walk under the boughs of oak. The neat front yards and new luxury cars glisten wetly and all I can hear is the tink-tink-tinking of my dog's collar, and the shrill song of crickets punctuated but the occasional uprising of a passing car or an arguing couple. I walk and imagine people in the shadows, neither feeling afraid nor anxious. I want the invisible people to reveal themselves, step out under a street lamp and beckon me to walk into another world with them.

I am going to bring my visions into view of others with my film, I have the costumes designed mostly, with the help of Hannah, all I need to do is get out of school (I am desperate for my license, I have my grandfather's car, but without legal permission, I can't go where I need to, when I need to) gather materials (styrofoam, mud, grass, body paint, glue, fabric, etc...) and create these people, capturing it on a camera...

I need my license.

Rennaisance

There comes a time in one's life when the eyes of the viewer are opened to the ways of things. The real world is a dark, disturbing place, my friends. The politics, the loopholes, the disease and corruption of modern day society. No doubt that all of those aspects of life have been present since the dawn of humanity, but to finally be able to see it, to be a part of it, its ridiculous.
I had been hellbent on achieving my goals of becoming a great filmmaker via the oh-so-amazing connections that the FSU Film School would get me access to, I was so excited to become a Hollywood director, because as I was fed this larger than life idea, FSU Film School as my golden ticket. It was the one thing that would give me my chance to finally become discovered. And then I was rejected.
Initially, I was infuriated, upset, depressed, discourages, and enraged all at the same time. And then I cleared my head and really got to thinking. I have just become a statistic. I am one of the many who have helped the school maintain its notoriety, its exclusivity. I am one of the many who were rejected from the school, and have thus made it so that the lucky 48 kids picked to be interviewed feel extra special, and those lucky 24 picked out of them to be actually accepted, practically cream their pants in self-worth.
Well I'm done with that BS. I'm going to make a name for myself, this is just a little setback...I'm just at this awkward point in my life where I don't exactly know what to do... So I'm going to try living in the moment for as long as I can. I'm going to disregard the people who reject me and tell me I'm too wierd or too "out there". I'm going to join the Rennaisance Festival and travel with those people who live on the edges of society, looking out as the rest of the tourists look in at them. I want to dance and sing and film and be happy and not give a flying f*#k about jumping through hoops to please the masses.

Sleep

The darkness consumes me as I sink down into sleep, like black water closing in over my head. I breathe evenly, I imagine, and my subconscious takes over as a dream starts to materialize...And then I turn over, a screeching, clicking spring snaps my eyes open...once again. I'm awake. For the past week my sleep cycle has been destroyed by this little coil of evil metal. I drift in a plane of semi-consciousness for much of the night, neither fully asleep, not fully awake. I've checked to see if the spring that causing my troubled nights is in the steel trundle that my mattress rests on, and its not. So its in my mattress...I can't possibly ask my parents to buy a new one, its expensive, and seems like a petty matter compared to others. If the spring keeps making noise after I flip the mattress, I might just start sleeping in The Room With The Futon. Great.

I'm in the process of writing and scripting out my first short! The last post I made, titles Remember, is what its based off of. I'm excited to start making the costumes, my friend Hannah is going to come over later today and help me plan them out. Its been a while since we've had time to see each other, she is a great friend, and an amazing artist, getting her illustrations published in a children's book not too long ago. I think she is going to be a really beneficial part of my project, because not only can she help me with the creative aspect of things, she is a talented actress.

Amidst the planning of that short film, I'm going to recruit Connor and maybe some other friends in another phase of my project, dealing with street art...We'll see how that comes out.

Remember

This came to me driving in the car with a friend on the way home. Its going to be my first short film.
I'm recording it here, typing as the idea comes...so bear with me.

There are people who live in the real world, the world of concrete and science and fact. And then there are the people who live in the other places. There are Fringe People, there are Inbetween People, there are Hidden People. These people live too, among the Real People, going unoticed. As a whole, they are the Non-People. They are the imagination and the art and the sounds. The Fringe People live on the edge of things. They are the words that are at the tip of one's tongue that won't come out, they are living in the trees on the sides of the roads, they cling to the cliffs and feel the spray of the ocean. The Inbetween People are the ones in between the space of silence as two lovers sleep. They are the people that live in doorways, and the people that dwell in the cavities of one's teeth. The Hidden people are the ones that secretly laugh when the Real People rummage frantically through their closets and drawers. They live in the shadows and the light, invisible and in plain sight at the same time. These are the Non-People that live among us. These are people.

Pitch

I want you to validate my latest fear,
The sphinx has risen,
Smiling from ear to ear,
The great destroyer,
Cataclysmic gyre,
Is movie towards us,
over here.

The falcon can't hear the falconer's cry,
The sea is red with blood,
drained from the sky,
and all the best people- Defy
Their nature, they kill, as the worst float by.

A rocking cradle woke the sleep of death,
and after this time, there is no more breath,
For the Second Coming's risen with a new wrath,
worse than the sphinx,
it'll be
a
blood
bath


The song thats been in the making for what seems like aeons finally has lyrics, I'm proud to have written them, in a moment of clarity after reading The Second Coming by Yeats.

I had been singing another work in progress, at practice Friday, but it was just yesterday that my boyfriend had told me, over Mediterranean Pitas, that I'm not singing right. I had gotten a bit mad, the boys seem to be focusing on the sounds of the music alone, ignoring a problem that I hadn't been aware of, something they should tell me so I don't keep doing it until it becomes stuck that way. Hopefully the next practice will be better, a the mistakes I'm making will be fixed...Maybe I should look into singing lessons...

WISE is going well, I am writing my first short, which is going to be set in "the woods" about a feral girl ...I've been reading a lot of magical realism, its inspired me. This should be fun to start, I used to make costumes when I was younger, now I get to start again.

Practice

Last night was a whirlwind of sound, bees, and laughter. I had gone home early from school, I hadn't been feeling very well after 2nd hour, so Dylan took me home. I don't know what I'd do without that boy. His voice is deep and vibrates in his chest, the sound and feel of it makes me forget the bad things in my head that sometimes bubble to the surface. He creates that balance I need, the balance that lets me create my art. I've been coming up with some great ideas, very interesting stories.
Last night we had band practice, just working on some already done songs, making sure they're what we want. Hopefully this hard work will pay off...We need to get at least one song recorded for the music video I've been wanting to make. In the middle of practice, our eyes all found the bees in the garage. The rest of practice was a bit strained, hard to concentrate with the threat of pain.
We did start a new song, very rough and unfinished as of now, but it's a break from the dark lyrics and swaying melodies, its Russian influenced, about being in a circus...Sort of Gogol Bordello without the mustache. I'm excited to work on that one, even though its a side project for us.

After practice, as a band, we went out in search of food...it took us an hour to find a place without a 40 minute wait, or ridiculous prices. After the meal, we said our goodbyes, and I went back to Dylan's house. A home away from home is a sanctuary. A place of peace and quiet. And although my home is a good one, the average Weston neighborhood with average Westonite neighbors, its always nice to escape for a bit.
Bits and pieces of my life will show up in my art, I know this...I hope those pieces will make it more accessible.

Magic

There is fog on the ground in the mornings, the grass goes missing under the low clouds, and I step into the sky. I find myself in a maze, but instead of high walls, everything is ground level. The walkway is a sleek oil black, like a sidewalk made of onyx. The maze is endless, and in the distance, I see minotaurs trolling the paths. I can't step off the black ice, surrounding each side is water, as black and deep as the most unexplored ocean abyss. I must follow the path and find my way to the nearest end, if there is an end.

I woke up this morning and had thought about my dream, I've had it before, and although it seems so full of darkness and monstrosity, I'm never afraid. I enjoy having dreams, especially because I remember them most of the time. They influence my writing and my film, they are an escape for me, an escape that I could one day recreate for others to see...Thats one reason film attracted me, I can communicate through sounds and pictures and let people see what I see.

I have to find someone to interview today, its a  homework assignment that should be done by tomorrow. I've been having trouble finding a person...could it be anybody? Anybody who was interested in film? Or does it need to be someone in he workforce of the film industry? I don't quite know for sure...I'll have to ask Coach Love.

Breathe

I imagine the air sighing a last cry as it is destroyed by a flickering candle at my bedside. The window is open to the night, replacing the dying oxygen that the flame licks up with fresh air, and I lay here thinking about everything at nothing at all. The weekend has been filled with friends, carefree laughter, as well as tormenting worry. Luckily, I'm calm as the waves of overwhelmance wash over me, and fade into the distance with time. A false alarm had given me a new perspective.

I have just read an amazing book, or rather, re-read it. I've been finding places of inspiration for my upcoming works.

Ocean

The sea fills my mind with brine and coral, the water is clear at times, muddled at times. Thoughts are the scales of a giant fish, I can't tell if he swims or flies, but I do know that he helps write my poetry.

Last night, Wednesday nights usually, I go home with Dylan (my boyfriend) and make music with our band. We call ourselves Cavemen In Suede. Every time we get together, I have a feeling of success. Although our motif and themes are dark, the music lifts me as we play. Dylan plays the drum set, Alex is our lead guitarist, Nick is the Bassist, and we have just added Johnny, on keyboard. When we play, the music transcends my body it flows through me like blood, if I were ever religious, I would relate that feeling to the way it might feel like in the presence of my ancestors, or a blessing of some sort. I am the vocal chords of my band, I sing about the sea quite frequently, I think I do this because it serves as the great divider of the world's lands, the waters store countless memories, and monsters. The sea is beautiful and dangerous and mysterious. It has been here since the beginning of time, and it will be here when time stops. That is one of the things I sing of in my songs. The sea is immortal, it tells us to value our mortality, which brings me to talk about my project.

I have begun to plan a music video for one of our songs, called I Used to be a Fish, which is about living in a post-apocalyptic world and rather than clinging to humanity, the survivors become a part of nature again. I don't have the details planned, but I have a vision that I want to make real. Here are the lyrics.

The ages don't remember me,
I buried myself,
long ago.
And the stones turned into dust,
when the kingom was overthrown.
And all the trees died,
when no one was left,
the sea swelled and took away my breath,
the perfume of the empty city,
smells like ash and coke.


Now there's a fish in the sky,
and he asks me why, oh why?
all the fishermen, they left?
And I tell him
They all wept,
floating away to look for another land,
the sea overtook all of the world's sand.

His fins cut through the clouds,


I saw his tears and felt my heart,
break into pieces part by part,
I couldn't withstand his scaly begs,
so i bent down and ripped off my legs,
Swam fast and hard up into theair,
scales grew up into my hair,
I found my breath again, finally,
neither fish nor fowl can define me...

His fins cut through the clouds,
killing all the birds,
theres no more people to hear them speak their words.
And he swims and swims in the deep light blue,
and takes deep gulps of air meant for me and you,
gulping air.

Fizz

I feel like my rib cage is fizzing, my bones are Alka-Seltzer, and this buildup is going to explode into, what I imagine in my head, a masterpiece.

   Today was the first day of the 2nd semester, it hadn't really hit me until I walked into my new classes. Its refreshing, I'm glad to be able to start fresh, especially since the majority of my time will be devoted to doing what I love.
   My first hour is TV Production...technically I'm a TV level 6, therefore one of the advanced kids in the program...First hour TV is comprised mainly of TV1s and 2s. I meant to do this, I had been doing the weekly Aftershock show for a while now, hosting it for almost two school years in a row. I needed a change. The other kids in the class are nice, but one can only take so much of something before it starts to become an anathema. This way, in the class of newbs, I'll be able to work on what i want without others looking at my project and prattling on about what i should have done or what I should do next time, this way I can do what I want, my way. I also wouldn't mind helping the lower levels with advice, it'd make me feel good to know I'm leaving a legacy behind...if that's what it could be considered.
   My second hour is AP Literature. It was, initially, a difficult class to get into, Victorian literature really isn't my thing, especially when a whole novel must be read within a small time frame. Now we have moved on to magical realism, its great reading, really. I just read Dreaming In Cuban, its become my favorite book I've read this year. Soon to come is 100 Years of Solitude, Beloved, etc... I'm sure I'll enjoy them.
   Third hour  is a health and fitness class, and fourth hour is my WISE class, the former taught by Mrs. Love, the latter by Mr. Love. Only in America can students participate in programs such as these. Third hour was special for me. Its the first class since middle school I've had with my best friend, Nikki. I know its going to be exciting, we are able to go to the YMCA gym twice a week, and everyday, Mrs.Love will prepare a healthy meal for us. Its a lot to do, for a class of 35...her husband is the leader of my WISE class, the quirky, lovable man has really grown on me. I'm happy to know that my senior year includes this program, and even after highschool is over and done with, I'll still have my WISE project, which will be like a sort of demo-reel, almost...

I plan to make several mini-short films, some funny, others serious, others abstract, creepy, dark etc...
I also want to produce music videos, at elast one for my band, one for a good friend's music (she's also in the WISE class, we have become pretty close this year, she's an incredible musician, I only hope our relationship will last through the eyars, to see her grow into a big name in the music industry or something.) and one for these two guys from Minnesota, KooKooKangaRoo, who have given me permission to use their music as I see fit...(They're like a sort of underground famous, touring with the big names of Ska like Reel Big Fish and the Aquabats) 
I will combine the shorts and music videos into a documentary style mini movie, most of this "movie" will be unscripted, raw. It'll document the process of creating my work, and my life as time goes on throughout the project. I'm ecstatic to be able to be given the opportunity to start this project. I only hope those around me will enjoy the final product.