Buzzkill

Having a common name really sucks at times. I had wasted my evening at this Lightning Award Ceremony, the last name to be called was "BRITTNEY..." and I almost stood up until the last name was called, which was different from mine, obviously. And YES i'm bitter but I think any cynic of this yuppie scum society would be after wasting their time at a ceremony where nothing was gained except a little pin. Oh, I didn't need a $1000 scholarship, College is a cake walk, I dont have to pay for ANYTHING. Every scholarship I've applied for either has rejected me or hasn't gotten back to me. I may have to resort to robbing banks, drugged up on sleeping pills to feel numb.

I apologize. I'm ust wallowing in pity right now, I'll perk up by tomorrow morning. But REALLY, can't a girl get a break?

Well, at least I have my awesome friends and my awesome mad skills.

Change

He reads my mind like an X-ray machine, his radioactivity burrowing into my head and seeing my thoughts, my emotions, my dreams. He is the one to make me feel when I am numb. I now know what it is to love some one as much as I love breathing. Its been said that if we as humans could truly feel the entire extent and see the entire length of our love for some one so dear, it would kill us. This is what wars are fueled by, what movies are made for, what people die for every day. And I'm lucky enough to find it so young. 

The other night was an important one, I had a conversation with my boyfriend of almost eight months, he had managed to bring me out of my depression after I had gone through the doubt that comes with uncertainty. He had managed to make me realize that my WISE project was not about my film, but about ME. So I have decided not to rush the film. I will work on two scenes I have chosen as important aspects of the film. I will work on those two scenes only, and have them done by the time of my presentation. But I will also have what it took to get to this point in my presentation. What I've been through to come down to simplifying my overly ambitious goal. 

I had come to realize, with Dylan's help, that I am finally growing up from the bubblegum punk I was throughout my life. Although I still have that style, the attitude, and the drive, I have changed from having my head in the clouds, my eyes turned outward. I am able to see myself as a young adult, no longer the teenage dreamer but an aspiring artist. I'm more realistic, which I think is going to benefit me. 

I don't want to rush my film, because even as Walt Disney put it, a good idea never goes to waste. Even if its years down the line from now, I will have that film in my head to accomplish when I have the resources and time. Films don't happen in a semester, they take years, sometimes. And if I want it to be what it looks like in my head, I will take the time to make it so. 

Girl

Are my camo shorts too boyish?
Am I not being toyish?
Is your mistress being coyish?
F--- You, and your little dog, too!
I'll be your wicked witch
your mean mean B----
I'm a Cherry Bomb
you better run!
I'm a Cherry Bomb,
Little boy
little toy

I want to start an all girls band. Influenced by The Runaways, No Doubt, some russian and gypsy music, it'll be a mixture of awesomness and heavy beats. This lyrics were a girl power ballad that I had written after watching the movie The Runaways. Excuse the profanity, but some topics just call for it.

Hannah is coming over next Thursday to be my narrator. I'm excited to start filming :D

NEW

I have returned from the land of the forsaken, and have risen like a phoenix.

My Spring Break was spent in California, with family. At first, I hadn't enjoyed the thought of leaving my friends to go across the country, but in the end, I'm glad I went. I had been stuck, in a block. Now I feel like my old self, bubblegum punk and ready to kick butt! After I had been rejected from FSU Film my confidence wavered, I had lost direction, my plan was foiled. I knew how the villains felt with Batman's meddling. But in Cali, I realized that I needed to snap out of it, put a halt to the depression, or rather, crush it out of existence. My relatives who live in Santa Monica run their own business called Imperial Media, dvd/cd duplication. I started hearing about clients that came to them, and started talking to Bob, one of the employees. I have a new plan.

Sydney is coming over today to jam out and write music, possibly plan a music video...I need to really get my head out of the clouds and start filming my short film. Things have just been so chaotic that if I had believed in fate, I would be convinced some larger picture was stopping me from beginning my filming. But hopefully no one has fallen ill, there is available camera and lighting equipment, and my creative streak is rolling again!

my week is already swamped. I have Sydney coming over today, I promised a really good friend I would come over tomorrow to watch a movie and film a silly little short, Wednesday is a day I devote to my lover (oo-er), Thursday Nick Morales is coming over and we are going to collaborate with some photos, I ned some for my preview project, and he could always use some more photos. Friday, i'm not sure what I'm doing exactly but I know it should be FUN. Maybe spend some time with my bestie, Nikki, who I don't get to see as much anymore do her academia. She has gotten into schools like MIT, UPenn, WashU, and is waiting for a response from Duke...I know she is going to be spectacularly successful  later on...And I know if I'm ever one of those Starving Artist types on the streets, I could always count on her, maybe crash on her couch, too.

Groove

The sounds flow like water,  a tide of blues and greens and purples dances through a glistening glass like surface, if that surface had been crushed so a thousand shards of diamond was what it looked like, all moving together, undulating and swirling and crashing. Music is saving me. Music has saved a million souls, and thats only this week. Thank you, Pandora and Grooveshark.

Putting together this film is taking longer than expected...I know I had so many plans of grandeur at the start of this endeavor, but I now realize I must focus on ONE thing at a time...my scatterbrained-ness methods are failing me. And organizing events like casting calls is difficult to do if half of the population of south floridian teenagers are sick.

I'm leaving for California today, going to the airport at 5:30 pm...I'll try to take pictures so I can document it...I love people watching in the airport. I was disheartened this morning, though, finding out I have to be home right after school, instead of being able to hang out with my boyfriend like we had planned...I guess I can't be too hung up about it, he'll still be here when I get back. He is always here for me. Thats why I love him.

Speaking of young lovin', Prom is coming up....And I am thinking of not going. At first my initial feelings about it were ones of obligation, if I miss it, I will regret it... But then I thought back to every other major event in my life... it's not the actual event taking place that matters, its what I made of it. Dylan doesn't care either way, and I'm sure if we DO go, he would despise the music, the ridiculous excuse for dancing, and the formalities and over-ratedness of it all...and I would agree with him...Besides, the tickets are exorbitantly priced, ranging from $130-150 each, I wouldn't wan to pay that much for some nice pictures and the ability to say "I went to my Senior Prom!"I think it would be much more fun hanging out with REAL friends, our friends who love the music we love and dance the way we like, and don't judge. A part of thie Prom will be the fashion show, the girls comparing themselves to each other, the boys hoping for a slip of the strap, a breast exposed...maybe I'm being a bit over-zealous about the whole anti-prom thing. Well whatever happens, I know I'll be happy, as long as I see my friends and have Dylan at my side.

Creation

To destroy is to create, and to create something, one must destroy. Destroy, create, destroy, create.
Yeats had the idea, his cataclysmic gyre and poor maiden under the swan make me want to destroy my old poetry, the stuff of imagined glory, and out of the ashes collect new phoenixes of words. I've been unleashing the hounds in my mind and its been delicious.

Progress is slow coming this week...the casting still isn't complete, and my friends with the capability of filming are on a field trip for the rest of the week, my friend Hannah who has been helping me develop the costumes and such for the play has been sick, and the camera equipment has been sparse since most of it is in use by the other classes or away with the good ones in Orlando.
I wil be leaving Friday afternoon for California to stay with family on my father's side. I love the golden coast, but I know the twisting feeling in my chest will come about when I step into the airport, without the boy I love. He will be stuck here, in this stuffy suburbia, full of its gas guzzling Escalades and high maintenance house wives. At least he has good friends. Our friends.
California should be fun, and thank modern technology for cell phones. My family I'm staying with is cool,  they live in a gorgeous house filled with sleek modern furniture mixed with eclectic asian inspiration. The zen feeling of the place is soothing, and the inhabitants themselves are very chillax. Their daughter, she has an amazing job, she models for Suicide Girls, which is a company sort of like Playboy, except dipped in ink and metal. Its models are punks, rebels, girls with gorgeous tattoos and wild hair colors, girls who I admire for their ability to be so fearless when the camera shows their skin. I want to model for something of that nature, but I guess I have to wait until I'm 18, child pornography is quite an inappropriate addition to a permanent record...

Hurry

My eyes are closed, there is blackness and color at the same time, like an old gasoline stain in the sun, rainbows made of blackness undulate in my head. Breathe...breathe... I suck the air into my lungs as if I'm dying, as if I'm drowning. I love it.

I've lost 4 lbs since starting this program in school for health and fitness, I love the workouts, but I'm hungry all the time...I guess its just a part of it. I try to control the hunger with drinking cups of water, but sometimes I can't help myself and succumb to the impulses...I go out at night and drain the living of their blood.

Maybe I'll do a short film about that... it'll be easy, one day of filming, some fake blood, fake fangs. I need a good actress...unless I use myself, but then I'd need a good cameraman...No, I'll get the actress.

Time

There is no such thing as time. It is an aspect of human life, that is all. Relativity is what it depends on, and for me, well...time goes differently.

I've been toying with some ideas about writing a little short about a time cowboy, (read above in southern accent) But I think it would be best to really focus on my short film...if only I could have my cast and crew available at all times whenever I needed them....Time management sucks.

Hopefully my Preview project for WISE will kick the filming aspect into gear, seeing as I need to start the filming, and soon! So may things have been going on, and the lack of a license is killing me.

This entry is a bit short, I know, but I need to organize my people I want to use for my film, I have ideas but no concrete decisions made...crap.

Stress

The anxiety feels like dead wings on my back. They hang there, the feathers droop and cling to one another, dripping in the blackest tar. They twitch every now and then, coming to life for a split second, making my heart leap. To escape the weight of those dead appendages, I submerge myself in Houdini's water tank, but he locks the top closed and I can't get out.

I think its the stress from school, running around to get scholarships, jumping through hoops. Sometimes I wish I weren't going to college, in the art industry, its really about your talent and who you know...mostly the latter...college feels like a kind of waste, I'd rather go to California and meet a producer or director somehow, someway, make a name for myself.

At least I don't have to worry about my script. Its going well, I am in the process of breaking it up to make two separate pieces, one for the dialogue, one for the technicalities. Hannah is coming over sometime this week to help me start the casting call...i want her to be in it, she is quite a talented actress. Her opinion of the script means a lot, I hope she likes it.

Sydney and I have been hanging out a lot lately, I have fun with her, we sing and dance and zone out to music. She's teaching me some singing techniques...Maybe we can make some money and preform on the streets soon.